So You're Stuck In A Time Loop

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Oh damn it all to hell.

What’s up?

My stupid DVR is broken.

Huh. That seems like a fairly mundane problem, considering some of the other issues ripped straight from the headlines that we’ve faced together. Have you tried rebooting it?

Dozens of times. It fixes it for a bit, but before too long it messes up recordings again. That’s why I’m trying to fix it.

Ahh. Which would explain why you’ve ripped the cover off it. You know that’s probably going to void your warranty?

I don’t care. I hate this frickin’ thing.

How did it break?

I was watching a movie and I tried to pause it, and it started skipping around and froze in a completely different place, and now it won’t work at all.

What movie?

Under Siege.

I see. You were trying to pause the cake scene, weren’t you?

This is a pretty important moment in cinematic history for teenage boys.

It was on TV. And, you know. For old times’ sake …

You were going to freeze frame the cake scene from Under Siege and let nature take its course.


What’d it freeze on instead of the cake scene?


Gary Busey in a dress is considered by masturbation scientists to be one of the most difficult things possible to get off to.


So you can see why I’m so …

Annoyed? Frustrated? Blue?


Hmm. Well, let’s see if I can … lend you a hand, I guess. So you’ve already pulled the cover off the DVR. What else have you tried?

I’ve tried blowing on it.

Your … little Gary Busey?

No, the DVR. Like a Nintendo. I thought it might be dusty.

Dust never was actually the problem with those things. It was just taking the cartridge out and reseating it that did the trick. No, it sounds like you have a problem with the time shifter.

The what?

The device in the DVR that shifts the flow of time.

Wait. What? Doesn’t a DVR just record things and then play those back?

No. That’s dumb. Every DVR contains a time shifter. It’s a small piece of a dying star, which, by spinning very rapidly, allows the DVR to distort the flow of time.

That doesn’t seem very likely.

Yeah, let’s ask the guy with his pants around his ankles for advice on DVR maintenance.

I’m just going to pull these up now if that’s OK with you.

Oh, were you waiting for my permission? Yes, please pull up your pants and any other wang-covering
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